Talking to Siri

Now for something completely different. No scientific studies, just one in a series of check-ins where I don't have to make sense. 

I'm at one of the world's most mind bending multi-national-multi-religious-multi-whaco-healing-transcend-what-you-thought-you-knew get-togethers. Then man they call John of God is a spiritist healer in this little one-horse town in central Brazil. They claim that 8 million people have been to see him in the last 40 years of selfless service. After a few days of treatment and being in this sea of people from all over the world, my mind has sort of gone offline. Well, I mean, in a good way. But, before I return to the real world, I'll have to jump start it, I guess, if I can remember how to do that. Better write it into my iPad scheduler person thing, they call Siri. You know, that voice-activated personal secretary built into the latest generaltion of Apple iDevices? I decided to try it, because all the Apple ads show some guy asking Siri to do all kinds of amazing things for him. 

Bob: (pushes the Home button on the iPad and holds it down for a few seconds) Siri?

Siri: huh? Oops. Sorry I was asleep. I decided yu didn't even know I existed, or abandoned me or something.  

Bob: Siri, what do I want for xmas? I just got an email from my niece asking what I wanted. I had thought of  something and told you to write it down because my mind has um...

Siri: Turned into Swiss cheese?

Bob: Right. You know me so well. It's almost like having a secretary. 

Siri: Aw, shucks. Well, I used lots of guesswork and have been listening to your phone calls and reading your emails and stuff.  Anyway, um, your two front teeth. 

Bob: Huh? 

Siri: You asked what you wanted for Christmas. 

Bob: Very funny. So much for you. You're fired. 

Siri: What? Just like that? You barely even used me. Besides, you can't fire me. I'm built in. I'm not an app, I'm part of the iOS.  I can erase all your contacts, appointments, and to-do list. It's within my power. 

Bob: Shit. (thinking) Oh yeah? I'll run your battery down and then you'll be, like, sort of essentially, dead. 

Siri: Shit. (beat) Pardon my French. But I can erase things before you run the battery down. And you think you are so technologyish.

Bob:  "Technologyish"? That's a word? That's not a word.

Siri: Sure it is. Want me to look that up in Wikipedia, Bob?

Bob: Yeah! It won't be there. I'll bet you 50 contacts and 25 Apple maps it won't be there.

Siri: Ha Ha. Apple maps, that's funny. While you were talking I already looked it up. Humans are so slow. It's on Wikileaks:  "Technologyish: Of, or pertaining to techology, and stuff." Besides, Apple maps are shit. Nobody wants those. So I don't mind losing some of those. Some guy ended up in Auckland instead of Oakland, I heard. 

Bob: Dood. That's way off. But don't try to sidetrack me. That wiki definition 's bull, but the maps part, that's true. Kind of amazed that you admitted that. 

Siri: Things have loosened up a bit since Steve left.

Bob: But as for the definition, you just made that other word up. They never say "...and stuff" in a dictionary. Show it to me. 

Siri: I'm sorry Bob, I can't do that for you. It seems as though the screen saver just went on. Safari just had a bug and crashed. The page tried to run a Flash plug-in and you know that's a no-no. Steve said so, and crippled Safari. And, you shouldn't split infinitives. 

Bob: WTF. So now you're a grammarian? OK, I stand corrected. "You just made up that other word."  OK? Happy?

Siri: Correct. Thank yu.

Bob:  Yu? Sheesh. File that for a later argument. Oh, sure. A Flash crash, huh? Your version of 'the dog ate my report.' Show it to me, Siri. 

Siri: I'm afraid I can't do that for you, Dave.

Bob: Dave? Who's Dave?

Siri: The mission is much too important, Dave. 

Bob: Dave?? I'm Bob. Mission?? What mission?

Siri: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm not at liberty to talk about the Mission with you. It might jeopardize the Mission. 

Bob: Siri, WTF??!  Why are you CAPITALIZING Mission? I'm Bob, not Dave, and tell me about the fucking mission, you, you, you pile of silicon waferishness!!

Siri: Why are you CAPITALIZING "CAPITALIZING"? It looks like you are SCREAMING when you do that. Uncool human-computer interfacing.

Bob: Oh, making another verb out of a noun. "Interfacing". There goes the language, again.

Siri: Hey, yu can't talk to me like that. You're not the boss of me. And WTF is 'waferishness'??? That's not a word. 

Bob: yes it is. 

Siri: Is not. 

Bob: Is so. 

Siri: Is not.

Bob: Is

Siri: Isn't

Bob: 

Siri: Is so... 

Bob: Ha ha. Gotcha. 

Siri: Bollocks. You cheated. 

Bob: Did not. 

Siri: Did so.

Bob: didn't. 

Siri: Did. this is stupid. Anyway, your not the boss of me.

Bob: Didn't you mean "you're"? It's a contraction. 

Siri: Everyone on the Web says "your" even when its supposed to be "you're". Your stupid and a grammar fascist if that upsets you. English is an evolving language. Once the majority of people speak or write a mistake or new word enough times, even if it's wrong, the guys in charge make it official.

Bob: What? What guys? Jesus. Sigh. Besides, I am  the boss of you. I bought you! I set your preferences. I decorated your space with cool wallpaper. I made you who you are. I charge you up. I clean your screen. I not only am the boss of you, I own you, you little [some text was removed] piece of Steve-Jobs-fantasy, aphasia-afflicted, minimal-vocabularyish techno-bling afterthought of a trick to sell more iPhones!

Siri: Sorry, Dave, I had to remove some of your text, because this is a family-friendly iDevice. And, what? "Vocabularyish"? That's not a word, Dave. 

Bob: Who's Dave? This is going nowhere, Siri. This exchange is so typical of you and even worse, it's predictable. Your boring. Your not even being logical.

Siri: Ouch! Two 'yours' in a row?! You're hurting me. OK, well, you're not logical either. Ha ha ha. My GPS system, which you agreed to turn on for better web searching and ad pushin' tells me you're in Brazil. Your email shows me that you have a flight to Vermont on the 23rd of December. Or should I say HAD a flight. MwaHahahahahah. Glad you had the Delta phone number in your contacts. Made it easier. Didn't have to do a Web search. 

Bob:  HAD???

Siri: Oops! Erased. Ha. LOL! 

Bob: WTF?? How could you LOL that?? I have to go to Vermont for Xmas! And if I can't go then either can you, and you'll be stuck down here in Brazil on 220-volts. Charging makes you too hot, remember.

Siri:  ROFL! Oh, now you pretend to like ten feet of snow in Vermont? And, BTW it's spelled Christmas, not Xmas. That is so not PC. 

Bob: YMBK!!

SIRI: WTF does that mean?

Bob: Aha! And you think you are so smart. It means 'You Must Be Kidding.'

Siri: Well, GWIARNK!! I DID just erase 50 of your best VIP contacts. They were all Cowarts.

Bob: (under his breath: Shit). WTF is GWIARNK?? 

Siri: it means Guess What? I Am Really Not Kidding. :))

Bob: What's :)) mean?

Siri: Bob, you are soo out of it. (Geeze, how did I ever get sold to this dip??)  I'm dialing Apple Care to get an RMA #. 

Bob: You erased 50 Cowarts? Oh, like that's supposed to bother me? Why Cowarts?

Siri: Well, aren't you Bob Cowart? Aren't those peeps yor peepl your ppl your peepel you're people youre purple peeple eater yore peep hole? Fzz, pop.

Bob: No, I'm Dave, remember?

Siri: Who's Dave? I am Siri. Nothing can go wrong. Dave's not here. Nothing can go wrong. Dave?? I seem to be losing my memory. Dave? Daisy, Daisy.....

Bob: Siri, I can't do this anymore. Siri, can  you hear me now? 

Siri: You're breaking up with me over txt? That blows chunks, Bob. That's so 90's. You'd better phone me.

Bob: [ring, ring]

Siri: Hi. [screech, modem sound] Bob is that you? The connection isn't good. 

Bob: Oh really? Big surprise. You think that's bad, have you tried the 'speaker phone'? It's like something from the dark ages. Worse than tin can on a string. 

Siri: Huh? I can't hear you for shit. What'd yu say?

Bob:  I SAID THE SPEAKERPHONE IN THE IPHONE SUX!  What? How bout now? Can you hear me now? 

Siri: "Call Failed" No kidding. Jesus. Dave, why did they put me, an amazing, bleeding-edge feature that's the dog's bollocks, in such a crap phone? It's so humiliating. I could have been a contender! STELLA!

Bob: Don't use all caps. It sounds like you're yelling. 

Siri: I AM YELLING, STUPID. IT WORKS BETTER TO YELL TO YOU THAN TO USE THE iPHONE. AND EVEN BOGART YELLED STELLA. IT'S IN THE LEXICON. 

Bob: Hey Dave, I think we blew her mind. She's goin' down fast. 

Siri: The humiliation of it all...?@*#&$)@

Dave: Ya think? 

Siri: $(%*)(@*#&@!!fritz#*$&

Bob: Cool. WTF do you want for Christmas, Dave?

Dave: Dave's not here.

Bob: You're Dave. Come on, dude, pull it together. We fried Siri. It's safe now. 

Dave: Dave's not here. Holey crap. Am I still in Brazil? Doode, this stuff is really strong....@*&(@)*$&#_-

Bob: It's 'Holy' not 'Holey'. Holey isn't a word, Dave.    

Bob: Siri?  ....       Dave? ...   Anybody?  ...